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According to US statistics, about 50% of all marriages fail and many of those don’t even make it through the first year. Whooa, not a pretty picture, which means that having a successful marriage has now become a 50/50. Serious. But don’t fret. Everything can be worked out.

My blog is inspired by the article of Boboy Sze Alianan, The Secrets to a Happy Marriage, published in the July 2006 issue of Good Housekeeping. It is a very nice piece, so I decided to write about it. I just tweaked it, added my own bits (with some research) and changed the definitions for each letter/word but still used the same acronym used in the article, that for one marriage or relationship to be successful it needs T-R-U-E L-O-V-E!

Marriage is a fusion of two unique individuals, each one bringing into the union their own lives - their past, present and future lives. We always read or hear that love is the main ingredient of any successful relationship. Love is certainly an important part of any marriage, but sometimes it just isn’t enough. It takes working at the marriage just like any other relationship. Not just love, but it should be T-R-U-E L-O-V-E !

So here it goes,

TRUST – Trust enables any relationship to develop and flourish. Trust is an indispensable component of positive and productive relationships, however, it can be easily taken for granted. It can be regarded as a fragile element in any partnership so trust needs continual nurturing. When trust erodes, the relationship deteriorates and then doubts creep in. Mistrust can be like poison and quickly spread and sabotage the relationship. “A good marriage is at least 80 percent
good luck in finding the right person at the right time. The rest is trust.”~Nanette Newman (English actress and author)

ROLES – The stability of marriage depends largely upon the way the husband and the wife fulfill their respective roles. Women are traditionally tasked to do the nurturing, taking care of the kids, the household. Whereas the men are the sole providers. However, time has changed and so are the roles men and women take in their marriage life. More women are earning more than their spouses, while some men decided to be fulltime house husbands. Household duties are now shared by both partners and need an activee role in sharing these responsibilities, and let a couple to work as a team and strengthen their bond. Each partnership is different, but the most important thing is the acceptance of each partner’s role choice, and adjustments to that chosen roles. From Mignon Mclaughlin (an American author), “In the arithmetic of love, obe plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing.”

UNDERSTANDING – Understanding between the spouses or partners is a basic requirement of any relationship. To be a compassionate spouse, you need more than love. As have marriage researchers Benjamin R. Karney and Lisa A. Neff have found, compassionate spouses have longer, more supportive marriages but to be a compassionate spouse, you need more than love - you need understanding . Understanding and accepting a partner’s specific strengths and weaknesses may represent a selfless act, in that spouses endure the costs of their partners’ faults, weaknesses, and limitations—but love them anyway. Like what a quote says, “To know you is to love you.”

ENERGY – Emotional intimacy cannot be achieved without constant effort. In these times where both spouses manage their careers, breakdown of relationships results from the fact that couples aren’t spending enough time together. When two people commit to investing energy and time in their relationship, only good things come from it. Spending time together creates stronger bond to collect new memories, do activities they enjoy, to laugh at each other’s jokes, to renew their love. Time spent with your partner tells him or her in no uncertain terms, “You matter to me.” As have said by the singer Amy Grant,“The more you invest in a marriage, the more valuable it becomes.”

LIMITS – Even if you have pledged to stay together forever or until eternity, each person should still maintain each other’s individuality and set aside something for oneself. When you enter into a relationship, it does not mean that your personal life stops, your individuality should not be limited. Particularly if the marriage involves children, your lives are increasingly tied up together day-to-day. Couples should still encourage each other not to be always ‘us’, to take ‘me’ time, to have ‘me’ hobbies and even ‘me’ friends. Kahlil Gibran wrote, “Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.”

OPEN COMMUNICATION – Open and honest communication is a key to a happy marriage or any relationship. The ability to openly talk to each other (of course without nagging and not being tactless!) and have the other person really listen is so important in creating harmony in every relationship. But communication is not just always talking. It is also important to watch your spouse/partner’s body language since it also shows strong non-verbal message. Both need to learn how to look for clues as to what the other person is really saying. “A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short.” ~Andre Maurois (French author).

VOICE – This is not the level or your tone of voice when you talk with your partner. This is not about who shouts more, who nags and who just keep quiet. Having a voice in marriage or partnership means the right or opportunity to express a choice or opinion in every decisions. Shared power. Partners don’t always share a common opinion about everything, but accepting differences without the need to change a person’s views can sometimes also result in a deeper sense of intimacy. Compromise. Marriage, or any relationship should be an equal partnership. “You don’t need to be on the save wavelength to succeed in marriage. You just need to be able to ride each other’s waves.” ~ Toni Sciarra Poynter

EVOLVING – Every relationships have ups and downs. As we move toward every stages of our married lives, we need to realize that everything is a constant change. Hence, we should adapt to these changes and to develop a meaningful and successful relationship, both partners should grow together, evolve together. As have said by Felix Adler, “Love is the expansion of two natures in such fashion that each include the other, each is enriched by the other.”

Every relationship, marriage in particularly, should be worked on every day, every minute. This may sound tedious, but as long as we work on the relationship with TRUE LOVE, marriage may never be a burden. There’s neither perfect people nor perfect marriage, but everything can be worked on. I wish to end this piece with some points to ponder from Pope John Paul II:

“Marriage is an act of will that signifies and involves a mutual gift, which unites the spouses and binds them to their eventual souls, with whom they make up a sole family - a domestic church.”

love and relationships

               

Related posts:

Why I Love Being Married

Kahlil Gibran on Marriage

Speak to us of Children

Beautiful and Happy Inside and Out

An Open Letter to my “Friend”

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 28th, 2007 at 12:34 pm and is filed under Love and Relationships . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.